surfin_the_sun (surfin_the_sun) wrote,

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"This is killing me so slowly, don't pretend that you don't know me..."

I'm so confused right now. 
What do you do when the one person you want is the one you absolutely can't have? I know I have no chance with this person and I've accepted that. I did a long time ago. 
The messed up thing about it all is that I just can't get over it -- over him.  For a while, I thought all my feelings towards him were gone and all that was left was just friendship. Nothing more. But then all of a sudden, out of the blue, everything just comes rushing back and I'm back where I started. 
Does time actually work? I guess it would eventually, because once we all graduate and go our separate ways I won't see him anymore. And you know what they say -- Out of sight, out of mind.
But I don't want to wait. I don't want to sit around and wait for my feelings to disappear. I can't stand having him held out in front of me everytime I see him only to have him pulled away whenever he's with her. 

I've never had a relationship. Nope. Never. I don't really know what it's like, even if I'd like to believe I do.
So would possibly getting into one just for the sake of it be wrong?
I've always been the odd one out. The shy girl. The nerd. Geek. Dork. Always the friend, never the girlfriend. Always 'my friend's sister', never 'my friend.' Not to make it seem like I'm an outcast and no one likes me. I'm not. And they do. But never in that way. Not even close. 

So now that it's perhaps possible that someone does like me in that way, should I just go for it? See what happens?
I'm just thinking Do I actually want this, or am I getting back at him? Or everyone?
Who knows. 

All I do know is I'm tired of sitting around, wishing things would go away or that other things would happen. I'm not waiting anymore.
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