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I'm so confused right now. 
What do you do when the one person you want is the one you absolutely can't have? I know I have no chance with this person and I've accepted that. I did a long time ago. 
The messed up thing about it all is that I just can't get over it -- over him.  For a while, I thought all my feelings towards him were gone and all that was left was just friendship. Nothing more. But then all of a sudden, out of the blue, everything just comes rushing back and I'm back where I started. 
Does time actually work? I guess it would eventually, because once we all graduate and go our separate ways I won't see him anymore. And you know what they say -- Out of sight, out of mind.
But I don't want to wait. I don't want to sit around and wait for my feelings to disappear. I can't stand having him held out in front of me everytime I see him only to have him pulled away whenever he's with her. 

I've never had a relationship. Nope. Never. I don't really know what it's like, even if I'd like to believe I do.
So would possibly getting into one just for the sake of it be wrong?
I've always been the odd one out. The shy girl. The nerd. Geek. Dork. Always the friend, never the girlfriend. Always 'my friend's sister', never 'my friend.' Not to make it seem like I'm an outcast and no one likes me. I'm not. And they do. But never in that way. Not even close. 

So now that it's perhaps possible that someone does like me in that way, should I just go for it? See what happens?
I'm just thinking Do I actually want this, or am I getting back at him? Or everyone?
Who knows. 

All I do know is I'm tired of sitting around, wishing things would go away or that other things would happen. I'm not waiting anymore.

Current Mood: confused confused

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So tomorrow I have to hand in the $100 check to Lehman for the French exchange trip. 
Mom doesn't want me to go. She thinks I'm gonna be miserable or that the host family is going to be a bunch of creeps or something. She doesn't think I can take care of myself. It's a week for christ's sake! Even if I was miserable, surely I could last a week. 
I'm tired of everyone thinking I can't do anything on my own. 

She actually offered to plan a trip to England. I want to go so badly, but this French trip is different. She just doesn't understand. England will have to wait. Plus, I plan to study abroad there in college, or just go on my own. I get excited just thinking about it, it'd be amazing. I'd love to stay in London or something. Go to a McFly concert...meet some hot British guys...shop...take in the sights...meet some more hot British guys. What could be better? =)

I don't even care if other people go -- on the French trip or England. I think I'd be fine going by myself. There's the difference between me and a lot of my friends. They always need someone with them, someone to back them up.  I'd love to go to England on my own and stay in an apartment (flat!) or hotel and just do whatever I wanted and go anywhere. If I had enough money, that is. Haha. It'd be a lot easier than France because everyone speaks English in England, obviously. And I know most common British phrases and slang so I'd be able to understand everything fine. Unlike some people who can't even understand accents or differentiate between them. Can you tell I have a slight obsession with such things? I'm such an anglophile, hahaha. 

I wonder if all the French guys will still have mullets....
=P

xx
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Summer is almost over.  Obviously, that sucks. I have 3 books to read, some essays to write, not to mention a bunch of articles too. Anyone who knows me should know that despite the fact that there's basically a week until school starts, I haven't really gotten anything done at all. There's also the whole college issue. I just don't know what to do...I haven't started working on my application, I've only asked one teacher for a recommendation (I don't even know who else to ask), and I haven't even begun to think about the essay. To be honest, I'm more scared of the process of applying to college (and possibly being rejected from schools) than actually going... But I guess I shouldn't worry too much; I do pretty well in school and my grades are good. I'm a good kid, basically. People think I'm a brainiac smart girl who always does her homework and knows all the answers. Needless to say, they're usually quite surprised when they find out I'm not like that at all. Yeah, I try and do my best, but I don't strive for perfection. I don't think it's possible to achieve...and plus, I'm way too impatient. 
Soo...why am I writing all this? I don't know, really. Just getting some stuff off my chest I suppose. Okay, let's not thinkg about the end of summer now.

But seriously, this year has gone by so fast it's insane. I'm a senior now...almost 17 years old. It feels like it was yesterday that I was stepping into AHS for freshman orientation and feeling so overwhelmed and scared. I was a mere 13 years old then and high school seemed like a different world. I remember, the first few months of freshman year were so weird...Everything felt so different and new...it was kind of exciting, but it was more like I felt like I didn't really belong; like I didn't really know exactly what I was doing, what I was supposed to do. I've become accustomed to it now, though. High school, I mean. It's basically my life, as much as I hate to admit it. During the school year, school is what I do. I work hard (as hard as my severe procrastination habit allows) and that's it, really. It's feels surreal to think about it being over in a few months, when it seems like it just started. 

I used to get scared when thinking about the future. Thinking about life after school scared me -- what would I do once I was living on my own? Would my parents always be there to help me? Would I really be able to make it out in the 'real world'? Thinking about it now, I'm still apprehensive...but the more I think about it, the more excited I get. High school's had it's fun times, but I'm ready for a change. I want to meet new people and see new places. I'm tired of doing the same thing all the time. I want to experience new things. I used to think I wouldn't ever be ready...maybe I'm still not...but I'm not afraid to try things anymore. Even if I mess up and make mistakes, I know I have great friends and supportive family that will be there for me when I need them. 

I'm not a child anymore. I think and act for myself. Certain people may be used to being able to control me and boss me around, but I'm over that. Things are changing. Life is changing, and most importantly, I am changing. Who knows what's in store for me in the near future, but whatever it is, I'm ready to face it head on.

Current Mood: thoughtful thoughtful

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surfin_the_sun
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